The day I learned about the birds and bees...

Remember my previous post, when I pretended I understood when Sam, the neighbourhood's alpha male, talked about "taking ladies" who then gave him his broods of kittens?

Well, I was to find out the connection between "ladies" and "kittens" some months after meeting Sam - through a live "show" that took place just below my balcony.

It was pre-dawn when I was alerted to noise just below the balcony, so I went to check. My hackles went up when I saw one of the cats that had been hanging around the condo grounds for some weeks now, a grey male who seemed to have come from elsewhere.

He looked too clean and groomed to be a stray. The dead giveaway of his status was the blue-and-green tartan collar around his neck.

With him was a mottled black-and-tan female, whom I had also seen around the block. She was a stray for sure, a little mangy-looking. Or maybe it was her colouring that made her look that way.

Well, they did it right there below my balcony while I watched, intrigued.

I talked to the grey male later after Ms Ugly had slunk off. Let's call him Bob [after a certain "sexual athlete" my human knows].

Bob: "What's it with you - you like watching?"

Me: "Er..."

Bob: "What - you never taken a lady before?"

Me: "Er, no. What was that about?"

Bob [teasingly, in sing-song fashion]: "Oh man, we got a virgin here, we got a virgin here!"

I flushed a deep crimson [though humans would never have able to tell this from looking at my pure white fur], whereupon Bob became kinder and told me about the "business" and that it was "accepted tradition" was to leave the "lady" with buns baking in her oven.

Hmm, I made a mental note here to check with Sam, who seemed to be living happily with his "ladies" and his young 'uns. Now wasn't that a happy family? Maybe he "loved" his ladies [see red heart in picture] in a way Bob has never done?

Bob then asked me how I dealt with The Urge when I wasn't allowed out of the house. Where did I find relief, he wanted to know. I looked blankly at him.

Me: "Urge? What urge?"

Bob: "Oh my... don't tell me you were "done"?"

Me: "Done"?

I was feeling panicky. How was it that I didn't know all this stuff?

Bob: "Hmm. We got more than a virgin here. We got us a eunuch. Don't you remember the visit to the vet when you got "done"?"

Here's when my vision got blurry - you know how they do it in the movies to signal that a flashback is coming up...

Yes, yes... there was that one time long ago when I was brought to the vet not long after I had moved in with my human - and it was not for a cold, or diarrhoea, or for my annual shot.

She brought me to see Dr Ng, who explained to her what he was going to do [against a background yowling-spitting-hissy "song" provided my yours sincerely]. I recall now his saying that "it" was going to be a "relatively simple job since he's a boy", and that I'd recover in a couple of days - no stitches needed on my family jewels, even.

I was put under and everything during and a few hours after the operation was a haze. Luridly-coloured fish danced before my eyes and I floated in mid-air.

When I became more aware of my surroundings, I felt a numbness between my rear legs - and a huge satellite dish around my neck. What the fuck?

When the anaesthetic wore off, I felt a little sore down there, but it wasn't that bad. I wanted to turn around to lick myself, but that white plastic monstrosity got in the way.

I heard my human describe in detail to her husband that afternoon what had happened to me. She said the vet had cut open my testicles, pulled out my spunk tooobs, made a cut and "just stuffed everything back in the sac". EEEEWWWW!

They spent the next few days laughing at my satellite dish, saying things like maybe they could now get FM Gold 90.5 in the house [which has unaccountably bad radio reception].

The "unkindest cut of all" on my jewels healed nicely soon enough.

Bob [in impressive mimicry of a computerised voice]: "Earth calling Eunuch. Earth calling Eunuch."

That snapped me back to my present.

Me [in a flat voice]: "I don't have The Urge. I never taken a lady and never will. I'll never have young 'uns."

Bob: "Why are you blubbering about? I just do it when the time comes around during the year. I can't help it. Something kicks off in my head that tells me it's time, and I go look for a lady to take. Don't get so damned sentimental. You are a cat, for crying out loud."

All of you out there who hope to read salacious cat porn in this blog can leave now.

[Should I be sorry? You humans believe sex sells, right? I mean, that's why people like Xiaxue can afford to live off the advertising revenue she gets in her blog?]